Legalism at the Heart of Purity and Courtship Culture
The purity movement and its associated courtship culture began with an earnest desire to protect young people from sexual sin and offer a clear framework for both moral growth and healthy relationships. Over time, however, that noble intention gave way to a rigid set of externally imposed rules. Prominent figures like Bill Gothard, Paul Washer, and Joshua Harris (who later divorced his wife and renounced his faith) advocated for a perspective in which any form of dating or emotional intimacy outside an approved, divinely sanctioned courtship was not only considered risky but inherently sinful. Paul Washer’s assertion that "recreational dating is heretical [and] not scriptural" encapsulated this all-or-nothing approach, effectively turning a heartfelt journey of discipleship into a strict checklist of dos and don’ts. Biblically, while there is a call to live a life that is "pure in heart" (Matthew 5:8), the New Testament also emphasizes grace, forgiveness, and the transformative power of God’s love—not a transactional accumulation of "merits" that qualify one for the ideal marriage. Rather than treating moral behavior as a form of spiritual currency that guarantees divine rewards, the New Testament invites believers into a dynamic relationship with God marked by vulnerability and authentic growth. In contrast, the legalistic system inherent in purity culture reduces righteousness to a tally of prescribed rules rather than celebrating the genuine renewal of the heart. (1)
Having experienced purity culture firsthand, I observed how symbols of commitment—rings, contracts, and commitment cards—were used to convert personal purity into a transactional asset. These tokens reduced the pursuit of a transformed heart and genuine intimacy to a set of external validations, where one’s eligibility for a divinely rewarded future depended entirely on meeting rigid standards. Not only does this approach run counter to Scripture’s caution against making vows (Matthew 5:33-37), it also burdens young believers with fear, shame, and the unrealistic expectation that their moral worth is quantifiable.
The Promise of Purity as a Form of Prosperity Gospel
An especially troubling aspect of the purity movement is its striking parallel to the prosperity gospel. In conventional prosperity teachings, material or personal blessings are seen as rewards for faith and obedience. Similarly, purity culture presents the attainment of a "pure" lifestyle as a kind of investment into one’s future—if you remain sexually and emotionally untainted, God will reward you with the perfect spouse and an impeccable marriage. This incentive structure effectively commodifies purity: it turns the pursuit of sexual abstinence and carefully regulated emotional boundaries into a merit-based system where relational worth is earned.
Joshua Harris, whose 1997 bestseller I Kissed Dating Goodbye influenced an entire generation, encapsulated this worldview by promising that steadfast purity would lead directly to a successful, sanctified marriage. Over time, however, Harris and others have been forced to reckon with the practical and emotional toll of this approach, as well as with narratives of broken relationships and disillusionment. The notion that purity is a "pay-to-play" system—if you are pure enough, you will eventually receive a reward—is not only theologically questionable but also potentially damaging psychologically. It shifts the focus from sincere emotional growth and genuine relational investment to a rigid performance metric that, if unmet, brands one as "damaged goods" for life. (2)
The Problem of "Emotional Purity" and Its Consequences
A central tenet of the modern purity message is the concept of "emotional purity." Advocates argue that young men and women must vigilantly guard their hearts—not just their bodies—by suppressing any form of budding emotional intimacy that might lead to sin. According to this doctrine, permitting a friend or a potential romantic interest to "claim a piece of your heart" imperils your future capacity to love your eventual spouse fully. This teaching, which equates emotional vulnerability with the loss of one’s capacity for authentic love, encourages a view of the heart as a finite, fragile commodity that must be budgeted and safeguarded at all costs.
In practice, such teachings create a paradox. On the one hand, they seek to protect emotional integrity by discouraging what is perceived as reckless attachment. On the other, they enslave young people to a fear-based model where authentic emotional expression—the very foundation of intimacy—is devalued. The call for "emotional purity" reinforces a rigid, transactional view of human relationships in which any deviation from the ideal is seen as catastrophic. As critics from sources like Kindred Grace have pointed out, this approach not only stigmatizes normal emotional development but also mistakes emotional risk for moral failure—a miscalculation that can leave lasting psychological scars. (3)
Social and Relational Implications
The legalistic demands of purity culture have far-reaching consequences. Young people raised within this framework are often pressured into premature commitments, leading many to marry early—or, in some cases, to settle for the first promise of romance that appears "safe" or sanctioned by their community, even if that partner does not represent the best fit for a lifelong commitment. This rush to wed can result in relationships that are emotionally underdeveloped, fraught with unrealistic expectations, and, in some instances, even abusive. When a marriage is viewed as the ultimate reward for having adhered to purity rules, love becomes objectified. A spouse is no longer appreciated as a complex, co-evolving partner but is reduced to the "prize" for having maintained a certain standard—the equivalent of a spiritualized version of objectification, one that substitutes a contractual reward for the messy, often challenging process of genuine relational growth.
Moreover, when young individuals internalize the idea that any deviation from prescribed emotional and sexual behaviors permanently mars their eligibility for a healthy marriage, the resulting feelings of shame and inadequacy can lead to further relational and mental health difficulties. The steep cost of such rigid rules is evident in stories of those who, after years of self-imposed isolation and fear of vulnerability, find themselves ill-equipped to engage in the messy, real work of sustaining a marriage. This legalistic mindset not only misses the broader biblical narrative of redemption and grace but also risks perpetuating cycles of emotional dysfunction and interpersonal abuse. (4)
Reclaiming a Biblical Understanding of Grace and Relationships
A balanced reading of Scripture suggests that while purity is indeed important, it must be understood within the broader context of God’s grace and the redemptive work of Jesus. The Bible commends a transformation of the heart—not strict adherence to a set of legalistic norms—and sees marriage as a sacred, covenantal relationship where mutual vulnerability, forgiveness, and growth are more vital than any externally imposed standard of purity. By reducing courtship to a series of checklists and rewarding adherence with an objectified vision of an ideal marriage, purity culture not only strays from the heart of the gospel but also risks creating a system that commodifies personal relationships. In contrast, biblical love is about seeing each other as whole human beings in need of healing, grace, and constant renewal—a dynamic far removed from the transactional mindset promoted by the purity movement.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the modern purity movement and its associated courtship culture represent a legalistic distortion of biblical ideals. By teaching that both physical and emotional purity are prerequisites for a "reward" marriage, influential figures transform intimate, evolving relationships into a meritocratic game. This approach mirrors aspects of the prosperity gospel by suggesting that meticulous self-discipline will guarantee divine compensation in the form of the perfect spouse. However, rather than fostering genuine, nurturing intimacy, these teachings can lead to alienation, premature commitments, and even abusive dynamics. Ultimately, such a view not only misrepresents the biblical call to holiness—which focuses on inner transformation rather than rule-keeping—but it also objectifies relationships, reducing the deeply spiritual gift of marriage to a mere prize for personal purity.
Further Thoughts: This critique invites us to reconsider how we interpret biblical calls to purity in a way that honors the complexity of human emotion and relationships. For those involved in pastoral care, youth ministry, or theological scholarship, it is imperative to balance moral guidance with a robust understanding of grace, recognizing that authentic intimacy—romantic, emotional, and spiritual—requires risk, vulnerability, and a continual process of growth rather than a preordained, reward-based system. The challenge is to reclaim a narrative of love that does not condition the sacred promise of marriage on human perfection but opens it to the messiness, beauty, and redemptive power of genuine human connection.
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